There are a lot of business courses and strategies about growing a business. Some of these courses teach just a little bit or nothing about the mindset and self-confidence which is really one of the major keys to succeeding. You may have great tools, you can learn about marketing, prospecting, how to use social media etc. but if you are not confident about yourself and your actions you will never have a breakthrough or by the chance, you do it will be temporary. How do I know? Well, I wasn’t confident at all for many years; I can say that I wasn’t confident since I was a kid.
In most cases, confidence starts in our childhood. The place we grew and people who were around us at least until we became teenagers. It starts with our childhood and gets stronger while we are growing and becoming adults. As you already know that self-confidence has nothing to do with your DNA it means that you can learn how to become more confident about yourself and the actions you are taking, you can learn it just like another new skill. I’m not going to talk about all the scenarios that could damage your confidence because every person is different and there could be millions of scenarios.
To be honest it could be the really small thing that could create this huge problem. Recently when I really focused on my past to learn more about myself I found out that the main reason for me being not confident was just one sentence I heard from a person that I “kinda” liked. I think it was in elementary school. In a group of 5 maybe 7 friends, we were talking about our future, family, love etc. It was just kid’s talk, nothing important, around that age we understand the things on just our level … but when I said something about getting marriage, having 2 kids and great job a girl who I liked started to laugh and said “Migas, who would ever want you” then another person said “Yeah, that’s right. Don’t even think about it”.
Well at that time I didn’t care about what they said but the past. I know maybe for you or for others it’s just nothing but even I have a beautiful wife and 2 little boys just recently with some personal development training I discovered this 2 sentences crushed my confidence.
Why am I telling you this personal story? Because I want you to see that something so small that happened a long time ago could be a reason of you being not confident. I know that we supposed not talk much about our past and just let it go (the past is just a history) but our past has a lot of to do with our current actions so I want you to think a little bit about your past.
Try to focus on words, people, situations that are stacked in your head. Something that made you sad or irritated, maybe your friend or family member told you something about you that you didn’t want to accept, or maybe you were watching one of your parents bashing their partner about their work, business or things they did.
Think about it. It didn’t have to happen to you, but you were there and it hurt you that one of your parents making fun of another and saying something like “you are looser” or “people are pointing us out because of your stupid businesses/actions”.
A Little child does not know much about the world yet but understands the emotions, that’s why when parents are having fights and for example, the mother starts to cry baby starts to cry also.
You can stop here for a moment and try to find few words or situations that made you sad and it had to do something with bashing, laughing at you or someone you know, pointing out, telling you or someone that you are not good enough or that you are stupid. I believe that when you will be able to find that memory which made you really upset you will be on the right path of understanding the reason of you being not confident and finding out this feeling actually can make you feel a little bit relieved.
Well, self-confidence is actually the Low Self-Esteem. Some people get angry at this point and say something like “that’s not true. I’m thinking about myself very well etc.” then why they are not confident? For some people, it’s hard to accept some facts that actually hurt. Those people stay in some mental coma and they don’t know why. Self-esteem has the same roots. Mostly it started with our childhood but sometimes some situations or people could make us feel Low-Self-Esteem while we were teenagers or even adults.
Being low self-esteemed brings a lot of emotions into our lives, most of them are negative, but when something goes well for a while we become over-boastful. Either positive or negative experiences in our lives lead to our positive or negative self-esteem.
Dr. Melanie Fennell says “Negative self-beliefs about yourself constitute the essence of low self-esteem” and as the author of book “Boost Your Self-Esteem,” John Caunt says ”low self-esteem can present itself in many ways:
•Doing things purely for the approval of others
•Constantly comparing yourself to others
•Resenting those that succeed
•Feeling like a failure
•Focusing purely on the negative (about yourself)
•Becoming upset by (even constructive) criticism
•Giving in to others’ desires
•Not taking action from fear of failure and looking foolish
•Striving for unrealistic perfection
•Worrying excessively, but not asking for help
•Taking advantage of others – even bullying
•Putting others down and being abusive
•Putting yourself down – publicly and privately
•Feeling out of control and unable to make decisions
•Withdrawing into yourself and avoiding social events
•Becoming aggressive or even overly passive
•Becoming boastful or controlling
•Punishing yourself, or not allowing yourself to feel good.”
If some of these resonate with you. It means your Self-Esteem is at pretty low level.
Dr. Melanie Fennell explains how Low Self-Esteem is created:
1. “Early experiences: events and relationships that engender ideas about ‘self’ such as rejection, neglect or being the ‘odd one out’.
2. The bottom line: an assessment of our worth or value as a person, including feelings such as ‘I am worthless’ and ‘I am just not good enough’.
3. Rules for living: guidelines for coping or survival, such as ‘I must avoid this’, or ‘I must always put others first’ or ‘if I am myself I will be rejected’.
4. Trigger situations: in which the rules for living are transgressed, resulting in feelings of rejection or failure, or of being out of control.”
This creation is maintained by a very tricky mechanism called “The Vicious Circle” or “The vicious circle of destruction” and the structure of it is this:
Does it sound familiar? I can relate to that. Once you step into this Vicious Circle it’s not easy to get out. Notice that I said, “It’s not easy”, I didn’t say “impossible” because if you really want to break that Circle you can.
There is a hope, you may not even need to be confident about yourself and the action you are taking.
Carol Dweck a psychologist at Stanford University believes that factors of mindset and self-esteem are very important. She said that self-esteem very depends on whether we have a “fixed” or “growth” mindset. People with “fixed” mindset are considered that they personality and/or intelligence is unchangeable, no matter how they try their personality and/or intelligence stays as it is. On another hand people with “growth” mindset believe they can change their intelligence or/and personality by learning more and by practice…
I think I wrote too much in one post ;)
If you are the person who reads to the end and still wants to get more tips, visit the continuation of this post on my Business Page.
World’s Great Resources:
1.13 Ways to Teach Yourself to Be More Confident
2. 8 Ways to Be a More Confident Person
3. Live the Life of Your Dreams
4. How To Think & Build Serious Business as an Entrepreneur
5. 25 Killer Actions to Boost Your Self-Confidence
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